I didn’t wake up this morning. I died last night. You see I couldn’t take it anymore. No, my life wasn’t unbearable. There actually wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle day to day. It was simply the problem just finally won out over my will power. The problem I had been dealing with for so long.
You see for many years I have felt like I have lived on an island all by myself. Not like Gilligan’s Island or the movie show Lost…but rather an emotional island. I wanted to let people come visit me but I didn’t know how. Every time they got close I found a way to push them away…which I don’t understand because I wanted them close to me. I wanted them near.
I know what you’re thinking..I know you’re thinking I’m joking because I’m “normal”. I don’t look depressed. I’ve never even talked about wanting to die.
And I even know a few of you who knew I dealt with depression and still thought I was okay. Don’t worry. I’m not mad at any of you. I don’t blame any of you. This isn’t your illness. Although, I do wish you were a little more invested in really getting to understand me and my illness…it’s still not your fault.
Yes I know what you’ll say. This was selfish. All I thought about was myself. I didn’t consider my family or friends…what this would do to them. But you’re wrong. That’s all I thought about. You see, what you don’t understand is just how many times I’ve thought of this and how many times I’ve held on because I didn’t want to cause YOU any pain. I couldn’t bear to see YOU in pain. But you’ll never understand that. You won’t understand that anymore than you would understand what it’s like to be blind or deaf.
I didn’t choose to have depression. I hate it. When I laid down to bed last night with the pillow over my face waiting for the breathes to empty out and to finally be done with the the constant thinking and wishing for the thoughts to stop..all I thought about was you and how I knew I would be hurting YOU. How I knew this would affect you for the rest of your life. And how some of you would be angry. How some of you would be surprised to find out I deal with depression.
I never wanted sympathy. Just like a blind person doesn’t want sympathy. What we want is understanding of what we go through and to be treated like normal at the same time. Take away the stigma.
Yes I should have taken medication…maybe. And yes I should have went therapy…maybe. But that’s what depression is..it’s a disease that affects the way you think. It’s in your head. You feel like you can beat it at any time. You feel like you can control it instead of it controlling you. And you HAVE to believe this or else it DOES control you.
You don’t tell a blind person to just see…and you don’t tell a person with depression to just be happy. If that is your train of thought then you’re ignorant and a bully. Instead, walk with us and learn to understand. It is a long walk so we will need your patience.
There is no face of depression or suicide. You could have wrote this. You best friend could have wrote this. Your child may have wrote this. I’m so very sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I wasn’t trying to be selfish. I just couldn’t take the pain anymore.
This is why I didn’t wake up today….